leila » wade, i had strange dream the other night and i dont know how to interpret it!! firstly, a short, tubby, bald little psychiatrist man told me that my mother had convinced herself that she was my bf and i wouldnt get a boy til she changed her mind. then sam came to me crying coz he failed his job interview. then i was chased by a giant donut. what does all this mean?! thankyou wade

Yes, I suppose that would warrant as being a fairly strange dream. Dreams are very complex things often hiding deep thoughts and/or opinions and other times they are purely just for our entertainment/to aid sexual frustration. Your dream would happen to fall into the first category, now lets see if we cant work out exactly whats going on in your head...

Now the first part of your dream, where your mother was convinced she was your boyfriend - I think you'll find that your mother was not the one convinced and that in fact, deep within your subconcious you created this scenario to help deal with one of your most battled emotions. Yes I think you know what I'm talking about, and in case you're too scared to say it, I will.

Leila... You're a lesbian.

Now I'm not saying you necessarily want to have sex with your mother! Although there are some porn fields which encourage it.... There are also porn fields which encourage midgets.... Porns quite strange actually.... Regardless, what I want you to do is indulge in these acts of girl on girl love, preferably with a video camera and send me the results so I can analyze your proceedings and help make a verdict.

Also! Its looking like this dream is just one big gay orgy! So Sam comes to you after failing a job interview... You see... what you've also done is created yourself a non-threatening less-fortunate gay friend to confide in. By having a friend whos also gay AND cant get a job makes you feel better about your lesbianated ways.

Note: If for some reason you may be reading this Sam, I dont think you're gay. Leila does.

Lastly we have the epic donut chase. Now chase sequences in dreams often represent a fear of something. Apparently you're scared of donuts. Whether it be their soft doughy inners or sweet delicious iced exterior, you just cant handle them. Perhaps you had a near death experience with a donut or even were abused by a man selling donuts as a child? Unfortunately this is all I can do to help you... You must go on a spiritual journey through the body and mind, maybe even with your gay lover to find the rest out for yourself....

I'm so good.
Waaaaaaaaaaade

Josh » Wade, what would be the quickest way for me to become a cult leader and have mad cult groupies who would have group sex with me?

Ah it was only a matter of time before this question came up. I've seen it attempted many times but no one seems to get it quite right and then end up in some form of mass suicide. Its a shame really. Luckily for you Mr and or Mrs blog-reader I shall give you fool proof instructions to cult leadership and mad cult groupie sex.

Seeing as josh asked the question we'll use him as our example.

Now josh, what you need to do is exploit the things you're good at. From memory this would include music, maths, having long hair and spooning. Seeing as maths has no actual relavence or use after high school we may as well ditch that. Moving on! Music is a good start. So is the fact that you already have a band. This grants you the privelage of instant groupies and coincidently - groupie sex. However. What we're looking for is quote - mad cult groupie sex - end quote (yes I'm aware that I could've just used the " thingys) After a while your groupies will have become rather loyal and obsessed, this is where you stage a 'meet the band' session where you set yourself up laying naked on love heart shaped bed in a motel room and have your security guards send in the over-hormone'd teenage groupies. The rest just happens by itself.

Alternatively you could try establishing a 'sexual abstinence youth group' - No I havent gone insane, hear me out. Within this group you will have many a teenage girl hoping to save themselves for marriage and you as their leader will be their tower of refuge and strength (yes I stole that from my jesus my saviour) These girls will become so dependent on you for guidance that with time anything you say they will do. After you're 'first annual sexual abstinence youth group' party the alcohol and sexual tension build up should be enough to explode yourself into a mad cult group sex situation.  

Do not question love.
Waaaaaaaaaaade

Mich » Wade, last night Louis asked me why I thought boys had nipples.. he was really distressed about it, and I couldn't help... so I thought Wade will know!

Well its not exactly a problem and this is a problem solving blog however I feel an urge deep within my loins to aid you in your quest for truth and reason. Males have nipples for serval reasons, most of which are just to entertain you in the following blog entry.

Many scientists are led to believe that nipples evolved some time around the ice age. Humans were still evolving into the superior form we are today, however we were doing so in a very cold environment and because of the freezing cold temperatures, humans lost most feeling in their body due to numbness from the cold. Human evolutions response to this was to form super skin points which would expand and poke out slightly in the cold to increase surface area as to capture as much sunlight as possible to heat the body back up again. This also explains why nipples are darker than the rest of your skin as darker colours absorb more heat.

Another popular belief is that they are a defence mechanism. A lot of animals will be deterred with strong eye contact. BUT! A lot of predators hunt at night time which is the most popular time for humans to sleep so to ensure the male human race was not wiped out, circular shapes were formed on the chest as to immitate eyes to keep human males safe whilst in slumberland.

But really its because when you're a feotus before 14 weeks old there is no physical differences seperating males and females, so you're basically a lump of stuff with some nipples on it for some reason. After the 14 week stage you develop either your male or female hormones, the female hormones develop breasts and the male hormones just leave the breast area alone, therefore you are left with nipples that do nothing. Sometimes they're fun to rub in a sexual manner.

OOOOOH. That is all.
Waaaaaaaaade

Chris » my package from trustkill records still hasnt arrived, its been 2 weeks. what should i do? im finding crying doesnt really help and only dehydrates me.

Man! 2 weeks! Thats almost a fortnight! Now before we play the blame game (dont worry we'll get to that in a minute) lets stop, colaborate and listen. Basically I just wanted to say that. Ok now lets play the blame game. Now there are many reasons as to why your package is not currently in your hands, so lets go through a few of them.

1. They sent the boat the wrong way and its now encased in ice and polar bears. In which case I suggest burning as many things as possible to increase greenhouse gases as to melt the polar caps. Head for higher ground and wait for the package to float to you.

2. They wrapped it in something shiny and magpies stole it. One of my greatest fears. Lets pray this isnt the case because if so... The package is lost. Magpies, not only annoying also swoop good. Its ok you'll get over it.

3. Physics. I dont understand it and neither do you. You may think you do but you dont.

These are just examples. It could in fact be something entirely more logical. But just in case any of these fail here's a foolproof back-up plan. Lets not put those tears away just yet. Continue crying until you're horribly dehydrated. Then sell your sob story (aptly named "sultana boy") to today tonight. Perhaps some publicity will hurry your package up... Probably not.

Ok so you do that, and I'll wait here.
Waaaaaaaaaaaaade

Dear lord! So you're in a state of pantslessness... While that may be an extremely stimulating and sensual ordeal unfortunately you cannot stay this way forever due to certain indecency laws and the upcoming winter. Fear not young david I have the solution you need.

Pants are as spectacular as they are amazing. That may mean the same thing but I guess I just really like pants. As do the jewish. The jews in fact, and I do believe this is correct, spent 40 days and 40 nights wandering the desert dressed in robes in search of something more comfortable and less revealing when found in a seated position. This was the birth of pants. However I am not a jew and thts irrelavent history! I'm a miracle man who's about to solve your problem. Back on track dammit!!

Now while it may be tempting to wander the desert for 40 days and 40 nights in search of your very own pants, its just not very practical. My solution for you is quite simple. Ever thought about adopting dave? Well you should. I hear you can adopt children about 4 or 5 years old from various poor asian countries. And we all know that at that age they're perfect for mass production of anything! In your case pants. Simply place them in a room with some material and a sewing machine and by the end of the day you should be wallowing in pants. That plan is so good in fact that I dont even need a backup one.

I'll take a size 32 please
Waaaaaaaaaaaade

Well sophie, I'm glad you asked. The quickest fix I have for you is to go to rundle mall and find the emo kid with the largest emo fringe that you can see. He/she (although it may be hard to tell) will surely and most definitely have a very impressive myspace full of photos taken at "artistic" angles. All you have to do once you've found them is harpoon them, bag them, and set them to work on your myspace page. Just make sure you get to them before their razor blades do.

Failing that I have a grand master plan that will solve all your myspace woes. I'm going to have to get technical for this one sorry, so do your best to keep up....

Gleivin mahyven 1110001010101 hyveeeeiiiin glaven mahoiiii 00101011110001 glehayven myven pi = 3.1415926535897932384264338327950288 hoii hoii gleiven 1001101011 Gaiiiiiiiiiiiiiven!

Done and done.
Waaaaaaaaaaaaade

Hi God, its been a while. Hows the wife?

Anyway lets get on track. Christians. Its just all the piousness isnt it? Soo much devotion. Now I've often had this discussion between religion and believing many times. You see, you can choose to believe something and thats all well and good BUT religion can just be too far. For example, a large majority of people believe that the universe was formed by the "big bang" which then led on to create earth and a whole bunch of evolution and BAM us. You dont see those people all sitting in a room together every sunday waving their hands about. So I guess thats what we have to blame. The solution here is a hard one God but fair...

Smite them.

I'm afraid its the only way. You'll learn in time.

Terrible update! Prepare for another...
Waaaaaaaade

Well hugh that would depend on what kind of sick you are referring to! Luckily for you I'm a kind man who's willing to part with the time that it will take to explain both solutions. Lets do this thing.

The first and probably more likely problem you are experiencing is being "fully sick" and or "fully sick mate" in which case I'm not sure theres much help for you but I think you'll find if you discontinue the use of greasy greasy hair gel and stop driving up and down jetty road glenelg all saturday night would probably be a good start.

The second possible form of "sick" that you're asking help with is the form of a physical sickness, in which case there are as many solutions as there are italians and their cousins. Your lifestyle can help give us a big clue as to why you may be falling sick. Do you often find yourself bathing in medical waste outside of hospitals? Does nuclear materials make up more than 30% of your diet? Did you trade all of your white blood cells for some magic beans? While these are the most common causes, yours may be entirely different and perhaps even more logical. My suggestion for you is to change your diet as soon as possible whatever it is you eat for lunch - dont eat it anymore. From now on its best if you only ingest food in the form of panadol sandwiches. You can fit a good box of panadol on a slice of bread (no butter though, wouldnt want to risk the cholesterol levels) and let modern biochemistry do the rest! However say this solution doesnt work for you as you're a seagul and the ingestion of panadol results in the explosion of your internals you could always try adding some extra bones to your skeletal system. White blood cells - your bodies defence force are produced in bone marrow. With this in mind I suggest you head to the butchers and find the freshest bones he has to offer and surgically add them to random parts of your body. Not only will you be physically fit but you'll also be the envy of all your friends!

Dont sue me.
Waaaaaaaaaaade

Look people I dont want to have to go out and start making you all have problems but if you dont give me something to work with here I might just have to, and when you're all sore and sorry and coming to me with your problems like: "waaaaaaaaade I dont want to have to live on a respirator for the rest of my life!" and I'll be all like "yeah well you should've fucking thought about that before you didnt comment!"

Look what you did you made me swear, are you happy now?? God.

But seriously now people. Go forth and comment.

Waaaaaaade

I hear you louis, and unfortunately for us men hitting down women has been made an offence that will leave you on the gutter while your evil wife lives in your home and has sex with Pablo the verile young gardener. Back in the olden days this was not the case in fact the 'rule of thumb' comes from an old law that stated "a man shall not beat his wife with anything wider than his thumb". (I'm serious) However, like I said, beating your wife with the television antennae just isnt acceptable in this day and age and as a result us men need to be a little bit smarter than women. Which really isnt all that hard. Listen carefully and soon you'll have the upper hand.

Its a well known fact that women are attracted to chocolate, shiny things, and crappy soap opera's. Much more than they are any man. What we have here is a few items we can use as leverage. Leverage for what? I hear you say. Well thats where step 2 comes in. Step 2 consists of you using your manly brawn and digging a pit in your living room and covering it with leaves and tv guides. Simply place the leverage item in the middle of the pit and by morning you should find yourself a trapped sorry girlfriend. Similarly you can repeat the procedure using a cardboard box with a stick holding it up and a string release system.

Depending on your spouses estrogen levels this could only be a temporary solution. But! If your girlfriend does have high estrogen levels, why not make them higher by fattening her up (estrogen is produced in fat cells which is why women have an average body fat percentage of 20-25% and guys have 8-15%) A high level of estrogen will make it more likely for her to get breast cancer and be far too sick and weak to effectively hurt you.

The only other suggestion I have for you louis is that if you're going to get hit, make sure its worth it. Tell her it didnt hurt and then tell her its probably because she doesnt have a Y chromosome, upon the next blow tell her that she's wasting valuable kitchen cleaning strength. If she continues (and she will) tell her she's only creating more work for herself and then point to the creases she's leaving on your shirt. You're a smart kid, I'll let you take it from here.

Waaaaaaaade